It’s been so long since I’ve written. I feel brand new – like I’ve shed old skin and I’m fresh. I get to begin again. Too bad it’s taken me this long, maybe I could have had you still if I had found this part of me earlier. My new perspective has induced a lot of self reflection and thinking. I’ve become aware of the fact that life isn’t a fairy tale and it’s not a movie. Bad things happen to good people, the ones we love don’t always love us back, and everything will not always be ok in the end. I knew all this before but before, it was something that was only true for me. I’ve come to realize that that’s not true. Everyone has problems, it wouldn’t be life if it was easy all the time. Life isn’t fair – so you can sit around and complain about it or you can keep moving forward and hoping that someday, hopefully soon, things will get better. I believe that there is no great purpose to life, stop looking for it and start living! The only point that I can see is to try to make as many people around you happy before it’s over.
So this is it, the last day of my trip and I’ve been so happy. But everything is crashing down now, I’ve had too much time to sit and think and read. I’ve ended up back in the beginning with a gapping hole in my chest and no one to talk to about it. It was getting harder to picture you, to remember moments, and then I closed my eyes to sleep and there you were, perfect just like you always were. It’s taken me this long to realize that no one, no matter how similar, will be able to replace you. And I’m sure you aren’t even thinking of me anymore and you’re probably nothing like you were then but I can’t help it. No matter how much I know this is bad for me, I know I should be dating and going out with friends and trying to forget you but I’ve tried, honestly and I miss you just as much now as I did almost 8 months ago. I’m misserable and I always will be no matter how many masks I hide behind, I can’t bring anyone down with me anymore. Now it’s time to make other decisions…
So I should be writing/working on my thesis right now but the thoughts of you are so great that I’ve lost all focus and all hope of getting anything done. I miss you. I can be in a packed room and still feel completely alone. I thought I was forgeting about you but you’re back full force and you’re not even in my life anymore. I hate feeling this way. I know deep down with all of my heart that I’m meant to be with you. I knew it the very first time we sat down and talked. You made me a better person. You made me want to be a better person. I wish I could have done the same for you or that you would have realized this. I wish you’d call or text but if you did I wouldn’t know what to say. I know now he can’t replace you… when you and I were different, we complimented eachother, when he and I are different, it tears us apart. I dreamt of you the other night. You came back to me, wanted to be with me forever and you knew I’d agree. But here I am on the losing end, broken into thousands of pieces again. I wish I could escape this hell…
And at the end of the day, I still wish it was you. I still want it to be you that I’m texting or you that I’m missing, you that I get to see the next day. I’m going through the motions this time. I feel it, I wonder if he can tell. I wonder if it will ever be real or how long I’ll pretend. I want you to know that I want you backstillagain but I’m terrified you’ll hurt me again or that you’ll never come back maybe. I’m not going to do anything special like you thought I just want to be happy again, the way I was with you.
He’s different in a way that I need now. You thought I was meant for more than I was and the one before you was sure I was meant for less but this one just lets me be. He saw my scars and asked me about them and when I told him he didn’t think I was dumb and he didn’t freak out. I’m happy again and my heart is just waiting for it to end, for him to realize that there’s better so I can return to my old ways. Being happy is fine but you never know when it will be stolen from you and I’ve hurt enough to think that maybe just being dissapointed is a better idea. There are days now when hours go by without me thinking of you and then someone says something or shows me something and it’s like you’re standing next to me again. You’re words still bounce around inside my head and I can remember exactly where we were when you said things. I’m busy now trying to remember that remembering is bad.
My worst fear has happened. It’s as if I wasn’t in your life at all. I swear I was. There were those nights when we would lay on your bed and laugh and avoid questions and hold hands. Or maybe they were just in my mind. I need to run, far away. I want to forget about you and friends and family. I want to start over, I want to pretend that I never knew this life. There must be something better than feeling empty, like nothing I do will ever be right. I miss the girl who was so sure of herself and everything she was going to do and become. Now I’m stuck with regrets that could fill pages and so few friends I’d only need a hand to count them on. I graduated knowing everyone in my class and most of the underclassmen. What’s happened to me? I need something more than this, I just don’t know where to find it.
Lately, I’ve been tying up loose ends, keeping things together. He makes me smile, not like you used to but at least it makes it easier to forget about you for five minutes. Beginnings are always good though. You fold to fit the expectations and you give in even when it’s a bad idea. I like feeling him next to me and knowing that he cares even when he knows I’ll probably push him away. I know he would rather have her back, at least for now… he doesn’t know about you though, I’m much better at hiding this kind of thing. We’re both trying to cover a gaping hole with a bandaid and although it will work temporarily, I’m wondering when it’s going to hurt again. This time I’m holding back, more than ever before and I know he knows. We’ll wind up hurting eachother and ourselves in the end but for now, it’s nice to pretend that we’re ok.
One conversation, one reading, one thought and I’m back to my old ways. I’ve been down these roads before. I’ve battled all these demons and I have the scars to prove it. We You thought I was done with this.
It would have been easier if you had gone to that game so many years ago.
I’ve spent months now hiding behind the person everyone thinks I am, longing to have someone see that I’m broken. I thought filling my head and my heart with schooltrainingworkstudyingvolunteeringfamilyfriendsresponsibilities to the point where I almost cannot breathe would let me forget about you. Instead, you’ve snuck up on me everywhere I go. Now I’ve found you in the “by the by” comment my friend used the other day and you were hiding in the corner of the baseball example that was used in physics last night and your words matched up with what my professor told me yesterday that made me feel terrible and great at the same time. How do I escape you now that I know you don’t want me anymore?
